Memories From the Start
by lordzand
Summary: Shion considers destroying KOS-MOS before the first game because of all the grief she has caused her, but is stopped by memories. Oneshot.


Oneshot: Light in the Dark

Shion punched the buttons in front of her impatiently, tired of waiting for results. So much had changed since this project had started, and she had the feeling that it would never be the same. Kevin's death sent echoes of pain down her mind, though she had tried to block it all out. Shaking her head, she attempted to focus on the panel in front of her.

Why am I still making this monster, she asked herself. A stray tear slid down her face, as she turned away from the control panel to look at coffin like container that held KOS-MOS. That thing had killed her friend, no more than that, it had killed her lover. He had sacrificed himself so that it wouldn't get to kill Shion. Why didn't he just let her die, it would've been better than making her live on alone.

Another tear slide down her face, as she turned back to the panel, and accessed the menu she wanted at the moment. Entering the pass code to access the security measures, she looked for the format option. When she found it, she hit it without thinking, and watched as the confirmation menu popped up. Now, it was the moment of truth, could she really let her only piece of Kevin go, even if it had killed him?

Her hand moved slowly toward the button, but stopped at the last minute. Her skin began to crawl and she was sure there were eyes on her. Turning around, she looked for someone, but she didn't see anyone. She was all alone in the lab, and there were no security cameras in this part of the building. She reprimanded herself for allowing her nerves to get the best of her.

She was about to turn around, when she saw KOS-MOS's container again. Something seemed different, but as she walked over and checked it out, everything seemed the same. She ran a hand down the side of the cold steel, and suddenly she could feel her heart beat faster. A strange mix of cold and heat began to flow though her body, and she realized that she couldn't breathe. She feel to floor, and was lost in memories of the past.

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"Why are you making an android, Kevin? In this day and age, when we actually grow minds, what's the point of programming one?"

They walked down a small hallway, located in Vector Headquarters, side by side. Shion's face was slightly younger looking, but her clothes were the same. In her hand, she held a cup of coffee, and she was motioning as she spoke with the other. Kevin stopped walking and turned to smile at her.

"Why Shion, is that the only question that you have? The Gnosis are becoming more and more common, and Realians can barely handle them. KOS-MOS will be equipped with the most outstanding equipment available, and best of all, she won't have true emotional capabilities. She won't risk her mission just to save a life, like a Realian or Human might."

Shion stopped smiling for a moment, and turned slowly away from Kevin. In her mind, she wondered how a person could say such a thing. Didn't anything that was considered alive have a right to emotion? For just a moment, she was disgusted with the man standing next to her. Then, she calmed down, and realized that he was just sharing his beliefs with her. He had always supported her, she should return the favor.

"Kevin, do you really believe that she can stop the Gnosis?"

He turned and put his arm around her shoulders, and pulled her closer to him. His eyes seemed to sparkle, and she couldn't remember having seen him any happen then that. The world around her seemed to stop for a moment, as she took in his touch.

"I believe that the future of the universe may depend on her, and the data she collects. Think about it Shion, wouldn't it be great to be involved in saving the entire world."

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Shion was seating alone in the lab, looking at the headless body of KOS-MOS that lay on the table. Around her, the department was gathered, or all that remained of it. They all wore scars of the battle that had just recently happened. She put her arms on the table, and folded them over each other.

"Well, what should we do now? Corporate wants us to continue, but we have no chief, and we already lost so many people. I want to know what everyone thinks, as this involves us all."

Everyone looked at Shion, and she stared back at them. They all must have been worried, after all, she hadn't been acting entirely normal the last few days. She tried to smile at them all, but it came out as a grimace. She looked at all the faces, and then she spoke again.

"Well, if everyone wants to continue, I suppose we should elect a new chief. Why don't we vote?"

Allen raised his hand, and Shion looked at him. A part of her wanted to laugh at him, he seemed so silly. He had just starting right after the accident, and wasn't always tuned into to other people's emotions, but he really cared about everyone around him. Shion motioned for him to speak.

"Well, eh, Shion, eh, it seems like we already have a new chief. I elect Shion to be our new chief."

Shion could've hit him across the face in that moment. The small smile he shot her way made her so angry. She was certain that he thought he was doing the right thing, but she was certain that he wasn't. She didn't want to be chief, she didn't want to take Kevin's place, and she certainly didn't want a stranger to tell her she should.

"I agree," another member stated softly.

Shion was overwhelmed, but knew what she had to do. She would become chief, not because she wanted to, but because she didn't have it in her to let other people down. It didn't mean that she had to replace Kevin. Instead, she would work on being a different sort of chief. Her goal would be to make her team more like a family, and to be supportive of everyone. For the first time in a week, she let herself smile a small smile.

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Allen entered the room softly, and Shion didn't seem to notice. He walked up behind her, and waited patiently for to finish what she was doing. Shion turned and jumped a little when she realized he was there. Had she really been so caught up in her work that she hadn't noticed the environment around her change?

"Yes, what is it Allen," she asked softly, sounding more than a little tired.

"Chief, don't you think you better rest a little? I, I mean, We're all worried about you."

Shion smiled as she accepted the cup he held in his hand. Taking a sip of it, she was surprised that it was her favorite kind. How could he possibly have known that? She decided that she wouldn't ask, as he probably had just asked someone anyway.

"I know the team worries, but I feel as though we are finally getting somewhere, Allan. When Kevin died, I thought that was it, but now the KOS-MOS he wanted is starting to be again. I couldn't be happier."

Allan looked at her for a moment, as though he wanted to say something. Then, he decided against it and turned to leave. Shion couldn't help but notice that he was going awfully slowly. At the door, he stopped and turned around.

"Chief, you talk about this Kevin guy a lot, but you know he's gone, and you're still here. You shouldn't worry so much about what he would've wanted. If he was any kind of man, he wouldn't want you to risk your health."

Alan turned and left, and Shion found herself drowning in the silence. Part of her was mad at him, and the other part was terrified. What he had said was true, she was a slave to the past, and to a ghost. In the future, she hoped she would have the strength to break free, but for now she would continue on her path.

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Shion pushed herself to her feet, dusting off her uniform. Her fainting spell didn't really surprise her, she had had them since she was a child, and her mother had had them before her. What had surprised her was the content of her dreams. All of the involved KOS-MOS in some way, and all of tehm appeared to be telling her the same thing.

Walking back over to the panel, she hit cancel, and took a deep breath. In her past, she had continued work on KOS-MOS for Kevin and his memory, but now it was more than that. She was working on KOS-MOS for herself now. Her desires were in the driver's seat, and although she still thought about Kevin sometimes, it wasn't nearly as much as she used to. She was finally moving on, and KOS was going to be there with her as she face the future.

Author's Notes: My first Xenosaga fic, and I'm moderately happy with it. My main goal was to show Shion standing up to her past, something we didn't see a lot of in the early series. It was also an outlet of my more serious creativity. I plan to write more Xenosaga material, but it could be a while. As always, thanks for reading and please review.


End file.
